Hi, I’m Hillary. I believe in alignment, magic, creation, and expansion, and am terrified of being a fraud. I’m hiding from a child, behind a child.
You see, the beginning of my life revolved around one single theme: The Gifted Child. Ever since I was a young gal, I’ve been told that I had this extraordinary capacity–adults in my family, teachers, peers, bosses, strangers with whom I shared a moment’s conversation…etc. And so at an early age, I promised the universe to do something extraordinary with my life.
In my earlier days, my differentness caused chatter in my family, and I remember being instructed by a distant relative to stand strong in life because there were people waiting for me to fail. As a young gal, I felt isolated…isolated form my peers, isolated from the world, isolated from who I was. All I knew was that I had to do something magnificent with my life, and I had to guard this gift of mine, even if it was with elitism, deceit, isolation, self-rejection, shame, guilt…etc.
There was also a deep need within me to protect the people who believed in me. In a way, I was responsible for their word and faith. They didn’t pressure me to become great. They believed in me, and that was so much more. (In fact, all my parents ever taught me to do was to use this gift of mine to follow my heart and build a simple, beautiful life). But The Gifted Child was everything I knew.
She (the child) shaped me into who I am today. At a young age, she taught me to embrace my uniqueness. While other children were learning how to read time, she spent the majority of her time pondering the meaning of life. This child quickly grew impatient with the pace of life and boundaries of time, money, and such. She was to beat time, live outside of its boundaries. She was to live many lives at a time. And money? She was to create a new form of currency…The Gifted Child, she felt this unimaginable force within, this ability to see, feel, and understand things that no one else did.
Ah, The Gifted Child. She was my most powerful asset and my deepest hindrance, a gift and a curse.
She had trouble connecting with people. She was afraid to be who she was, and afraid to disappoint the people who believed in her. And worst of all, She felt like a fraud. Constantly. She never felt like she was good enough.
Elitism, deceit, isolation, self-rejection, shame, guilt were just a few symptoms. The only time she felt at peace was while watching genius movies or reading Nietzsche, or Emerson, or Einstein…etc. That’s still true to this day.
So I suppressed her to the extent that I could. I rejected her. And she rejected me.
I turned 25 this past weekend. I still haven’t changed the course of history.
At 25 years, I sit here battling the inner child within me. The one terrified to make mistakes and expose herself, mortified that they’d discover she was a fraud, and all the lies I’ve ever told to cover up the fact that she was just another gifted child who couldn’t make it through the scopes of society. Let me explain…
They pull out their telescopes to hunt me down. They capture me only to put me under a microscope. Had they looked through a kaleidoscope. They would have seen me. They would have realized that I’m everywhere.
That we can’t exist without each other. That we’re a consequence of each other’s thoughts, actions, and beliefs. That we live both for each other and from each other. That in this life of infinite love and change, all we’re really looking for is alignment.
Alignment with each other. Alignment with the universe. Alignment with ourselves deep within.
Only after understanding that did my inner child put down her telescope. And microscope.
I’m been afraid my entire life, running from myself and hiding from that child, the unfamiliar power within. I wasn’t afraid of disappointing everyone else. No, I was afraid of disappointing her. I never had a life away from her. In a way, she had pronounced me dead before I could take my first breath.
But I took my first breath, and the breaths that followed were inhaled with intent to suppress her. I had a bag full of ammunition: telescopes, microscopes, periscopes…the same ones she had used against me.
I wanted for so long to pronounce her dead. To break free of the chains that contained me. To unleash the me beyond her, and to show her that she was the only thing holding me back from coming alive. Put an end once and for all to elitism, deceit, isolation, self-rejection, shame, guilt that she had caused by destroying her.
But elitism, deceit, isolation, self-rejection, shame, guilt is not the means to that solution. What I can do is pull out my kaleidoscope and invite her to do the same.
Should we put an end to all this?
Who pronounced you dead?
…What does alignment mean to you?